Thank you all for noticing (and making me feel like a horrible human being for not saying something). 😊 I apologize for being late.

Here’s the thing: I’m taking a hiatus. I won’t be posting anything until this fall. I’m still, however, open to topic suggestions, questions and such. Also, feel free to read old posts and share and comment as usual. Fall will be here soon.

Until then, happy new month and much love!!

Questions to the answers

ARE THERE ANSWERS? Does science have all the answers?
Now, before I continue my rant let me just insert that I love asking questions and I love science. Really. You can’t possibly understand how much I love Science unless you were also home schooled by a mother who double majored in the sciences and post graduated with a degree to insure that she passed that knowledge on with a certain passionate clarity. Now that I’ve clarified that…

 Science won’t make sense in every aspect if life. Will it? Science can explain the physical. All of it? The social, to a certain extent, right? The mental, probably just as far as the perception can go but how about the areas without a known process or starting point, or the things that just are and seemingly just will be? Science can’t explain what isn’t scientific. Is there anything in existence that isn’t scientific? It can analytically create beautiful relations but can Science explain to the none scientic mind what God created before there was a subject or belief in the sciences as we know it. 
All the degrees in neurology and so forth will not change the fact that there is life and there is death and that after that is unknown. That there is existence and non existence and we can’t control either to a wholesome capacity. Whether our memory stays, hangs in limbo or returns to where it came…where we were before birth are questions that we ourselves have plagued our intellect with. Do we really need answers? How far do we go? Do we look until we are content not knowing? Do we question and piece together bits of wisdom that make sense and add up? Do we ask until we realized that knowing the answers don’t change much and start considering that maybe chasing the answers in itself was the goal?

Are there answers to everything? We say that all these advanced studies into the life sciences is to help our race; to improve living but what is it helping on the larger scale besides creating more jobs for the selfishly ambitious who become too obsessed to even live long enough to look back on trails they’ve blazed with the same naive passion in their eyes, accomplished people too frustrated to celebrate the small victories. Our life spans are still dwindling as with every step we take in insuring a prolonged life through science, we find five more ways to kill ourselves and each other. Perhaps the question isn’t where we go after we die but what we’ve done while we are undead to determine where we go. 

Is it possible that for most of the essential fundamental questions in life we already have the answers to? That we just might have been given all the answers. Freely. Before we even knew we needed or wanted answers. Maybe we’re looking in all the absolute wrong places and asking the wrong questions. What if there are no questions to begin with? Maybe there’s just what we know and what we don’t. What if the question are just doubts we ourselves have created? Perhaps the issue is accepting the truth…seeing the simple answers that have always been there. It could be that finding the answers require unlearning all teaching and unacquiring the knowledge. Maybe it is difficult to accept what the different truths are because the more “knowledge” we have crowds up the room in our heads for acceptance. What if all the answers to some greatly disputed questions sometimes are really very simple? So simple that we refuse to accept them as the truth. Maybe the biggest life questions are answered with minds of innocent children uncorrupted by “knowledge”.

Edges of us

There will be people in your life who defy logic, blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them. These people are toxic; slowly, destructive. The thing is, not all toxic, destructive people are cruel and uncaring. I believe some might actually love you dearly and have good intentions. They aren’t inherently bad people but they aren’t right for you or your soul.
A lot of sensitive, introspective people have a problem: attracting people…I don’t want to say “…who are toxic”. “Toxic” seems like a label in itself that’s just a thin line away from judgmental depending on how it’s dealt with. (I will address that later).

The point is calm waters are the best places for chaos right? Sensitive people attract people who enjoy pushing buttons, messing with emotions and all the while under the facade of friendship. Maybe this is because we always make excuses for people or we are “attentive listeners”. Maybe it’s because we have issues saying no. In one way or another we have all been brushed, or drenched, with the poison of the inconsiderate. The most common are:


When they can no longer control you they’ll try to control how other people see you through misinformation.

Judgmental people are quick to tell you exactly what is and isn’t cool. They have a way of taking the thing you’re most passionate about and making you feel terrible about it. Instead of appreciating and learning from people who are different from them, judgmental people look down on others. Judgmental people stifle your desire to be a passionate, expressive person. They are control freaks by nature. And this nature of theirs isn’t limited to their own life. They would always want to control different aspects of your life. They’re never okay with your differences since according to them they are the parameters of everything. They might call you names. They follow the insane rule of gossip bringing people closer and might drift a bit when you don’t fully partake. It’s a trap. They derive pleasure from other people’s misfortunes. Peering into everyone’s faux pas is a favorite pastime as everything needs to be scrutinize by them. And of course, they’d have an opinion on everything. Judges are contagious. Their toxicity spreads like a virus.

They project their own character defects unto you. They do this by accusing you of the very actions they do but deny.


You can love them, forgive them, and wish them well but still forget them. Literally giving them zero negative power over your space.

Manipulators always want something from you, and if you look back on your relationships with them, it’s all take, take, take, with little or no giving. They’ll do anything to win you over just so they can work you over.

They come first in everything. Put it simply, they’re utterly selfish. Everything has to be about them. Do not expect gratitude from them, because they have a tendency to believe that the world is there to serve them. A manipulator knows you well and will try to use this or your past self against you to discredit you. They have no qualms about playing the victim or lying to get their way. They might even have you blaming yourself as perhaps there was a time in your life when you weren’t self-assured and you were so wretchedly compliant that you allowed this person to walk all over you. Do not overlook the skills in their arsenal when it comes to getting into your head. Just remember that you’re now free of shackles. You have your own path and you don’t need to create space for anyone who doesn’t respect that.

They speak about other people to you exactly how they speak about you to other people.


They’ll attach themselves like cinder blocks toed to your ankles, then they’ll invite you to swim in their poisoned waters.

Now, this is a thing that sucks the life out of you making you question your worth or value. This is one of the most destructive poisons in human form.
They will take your need for space personally and use resentment as punishment. They’ll give you the cold shoulder over nothing that you’re guilty of. Don’t let it drain your energy. Resentful people are never really happy for you and can be sort of overly dramatic and attract drama to your life. They’ll have you bending around yourself like a wire in an endless attempt to please them only to never really succeed. They somehow feel entitled to what you can’t give. They are fair weather birds who’ll be attached to your spine if they need a favor. When someone you care about comes to you in distress, it’s an awful feeling to not be able to give them what they need. It is a devilish kind of trickery, the “I can’t do this without you” is all about and for the comfort you provide. It’s all conditional. What is really happening is boundaries are not being respected and kindness is being abused. It most likely isn’t right if it doesn’t feel right. Relationships are built on love and mutual understanding, not guilt.

Memoir of becoming

Let’s forget the pursuit of happiness 
For a minute
Let’s forget the rise and the sunshine
Let’s detail the low, the floods
Peace and calm and beauty and rebirth might not come softly
How it might take a wave and a promise, a war and a loss.
How hope is birthed from those times when it feels like falling and failing.
Living is a boat rocked by troubled waters
It’s a thing of phases
It’s uncomfortable

It takes nights of consistency
Persistently finding reasons to compliment your reflection after days of seeing you’re epically flawed
It takes pain
It takes not being enough
Not having enough
Enough beauty, enough anything
It takes accepting that God made only one you.

Humility takes trust
It takes misplaced trust
It takes mistakes and unaccepted apologies
It takes lies and more lies
It takes matched effort to matched nothings and matches to regret.
It takes empty mornings and lonely nights and finding peace in the stillness and hearing answers in the silence.
It takes afternoons of walking around like someone stole your pride
It takes someone stealing your pride and the joy you found in calling yourself whole.
It takes looking into a broken mirror and seeing yourself whole.

It takes forgiving and trying and trying to forget
It takes crying till your eyes swell shut
And falling till you can barely cry
It takes crawling on your belly towards the only constant
Stripped of everything but a heart and fading smile
It takes beating your fist against walls until your fists bleed with rage
It takes getting drunk on excuses and hopelessness and
Falling down stairs, bruising your face, skinning your ego
It takes letting go of your ego
It takes consequence and every second chance that changed its mind

It takes watching loved ones cry till their skin lose luster from the stress you cause.
It takes believing it’s all forgiven.
It takes nights filled with meditation and tea bags and silent mantras
It takes prayer, steadfast prayer at wee hours of morning
It takes foolishness and stubbornness

It takes years and years of breaking and learning and breaking and learning and fixing yourself into a better liver
a better lover
It takes loving those around you hard with a hammer and a thousand hugs
It takes jumping over borders of vulnerability and not being afraid to be seen
It takes laughing at yourself everytime you trip over your own confidence or stumble on your will
It takes finding and creating reasons to live and to feel
Feel when it burns, live when it’s heavy.

Gaining independence from the throes of shame is essential to life.
This sovereignty you have to claim.
There might be battle scars embedded in skin etched on flesh carved into achy bones
Scars, in time called beautiful…magical.
A heart might beat bruised and scarred a thousand times
Cracked in all the right places
Cracks, scar tissue
Reaching up for healing
Grabbing her light from the sun, from the heavens themselves.
A war cry finally claiming her voice.
Loved beyond reason
Loved back to believing
That buried underneath all this
Wrapped up in all this
Is a darkest dawning.
A rude awakening.
A beautiful rebirth

Sunset captured by Joshua Kulah

Awareness in Transition 

Awareness is one of the greatest things you can posess in this life as it is as important as the very air we breathe and water we drink to stay alive.

-Victoria Erickson

I believe there is a space between phases in life and as important as each phase is, so is the transition – the link. It is where the learning happens. 

Sometimes we don’t catch the change until it has already happened. At other times, we can recount every event leading up to it. Transition is only temporary, right?
The word “transitory ” itself means brief, shortlived, fleeting, temporary etc. So how about the times it is more than just a brief experience…when transition lingers?

Whether we realize it or not, we have been going through transition from the very start of our existence. The fact that you are where you are today is assurance enough that it all passes.

Don’t wish it away. The ‘door’ through which we enter into every new phase can determines how we deal with each phase. Soften under the pressure and allow each event to communicate something. Something positive. 

That one situation making it difficult for you to live out grace shouldn’t block your peace or make you bitter. Neither should it make you give up on trying. Learn the lesson. This might be a lesson on staying calm; preparation for a phase that is stormy or it might just be a time of learning to understand what someone else is dealing with as no one understands a situation better than someone who’s been there too.

Be grateful for transition. Without transition there’ll be no change. Even when the ‘door’ is narrow and chips off pieces of you, be grateful. Those pieces weren’t meant to be a part of this next phase.

Life is passing rapidly. Fiercely commit to every moment you find beautiful and remember it. Record it. Fully, whole-heartedly inhabit it.

Laala’s poem: The bond between

I have always loved the idea of love,

The everlasting, the forever part.
Finding someone to share your whole life with

Who wouldn’t love that?
I have always loved the idea 

But what I love more is
When it becomes a reality for two lovers;
Two beings 

Who might have been lost but find themselves in the creases of another’s smile,
Built a home in the hugs of another’s arms,
Stretched wide enough to hold on
A love as strong as God’s promise.
Two people chained together with a hope as sacred as the pyramids
Building foundations to last generations.
Two spirits in a crash
Two someone’s in a craze
Two mortals in a collision
Glorious enough for the heavens to whisper the names upon clashing
Two souls that bear witness; there is one God
And sanctify his words collectively Discovering that paradise is hidden in the reliance of the Lord
And love is written for those worthy enough to trust that.
Two people human enough to make mistakes
Lovers enough to find no fault
There can be no abhors here
There is no misapprehension when it comes to love,
To life.
We breathe
But heartbeats don’t 
mean that we’re living so
who lives?
Lovers do.
It’s that feeling
That encounter of butterflies in your stomach and fireflies in your eyes
That moment when you hold hands with another and carry on with locked fingers long after you begin to sweat.
That instant all-star gaze
And wishing upon the sky
Pleading with the beloved to grant you
A lifetime lover, A lifeline comfort.
An aching with all the pleas in the universe that the one holding your palms could be your answered supplication.
Why wish upon the stars when you can pray to the one that created them?
I’ve done my share of wishing
Since a young girl, fairytales of Prince charming, a knight in shinning armour poured into imagination.
You can envision the kinds of things I demanded from the milky way and big dipper. 

The constellations carried dreams of happily ever afters
You can blame Disney for that.
Love is not captive to a particular feeling or flavor
Because when you know, you just know you know?
Do not be mistaken
Through the passion of love there is thunder and circumstance
Beware of lightening for you may not know when and where it will strike.
But when the thunder roars, and trust that soon, rain will wash away the broken.
I find that love is when your soul is rooting for you
Through every trail of heartbreak, for all the moments of neglect,
For every tear that has taken a dive to cheek bone.
I believe that souls are predestined to a land of love
Where one finds reflection in another
Where there is beauty in believing
Where aspirations have a holy feel
And love is still sacred.
It might take you by surprise
It might catch you in a college hallway stealing glances of distance smiles
Or sitting on the docks of a lake overlooking the moon
It might summon you to surf on in the air of a party 
Or appear in the eyes of one waiting with you at the train station
It may come knocking on your door
Asking your heart for its hand

It may be dressed in brown skin

Or speak in a West African tongue

It might sing strange lullabies or hum the melodies of native ansestors
It may look like nothing you’ve ever imagined but be everything you’ve always dreamed of.
You may refuse to answer the door but love will keep knocking.
It’s persistent. 
It’ll keep trying until you give in
Until your heart comes undone.
You see love has God on its side.
It’s excepted by the courageous and resisted by those who are afraid.
Afraid of love. 

Are you afraid of happiness? Scared of being vulnerable?

My dear,

There is a whole world to live in love!

I have always loved the idea of love…the everlasting…

I never had the kind of love that was forever but I wish that for you.

So when you catch a of glimpse of someone drenched in the kind of starlight you used to wish upon

Love them.

Beautiful storm; Darkest Dawning 

I tend to begin posts on this topic and then sit on them for weeks.
…. there’s so much I want to say about it.
I’ll post this for now. It’s a start. A rambling start.

The storms you feel can break or destroy you. Allow the breakage, for somewhere in the wreckage is your darkest dawning. 

It probably feels like crashing, a lot like failing. Especially since as far as we’ve been taught life is all about things to accomplish and goals to reach… study this, get so-and-so grade, marry this kind of person, get a job like that; live a creaseless life. But in our reality this is not the way it is. So we cover it up and dress it up…avoiding the truth that those ideals and everything we know aren’t adding up. We hide the holes in our soul, throw our head back and laugh as we sink to make sure that no one sees the lapses. We really just want to stay afloat. Survive. Maybe even save others but since it seems like we can’t even save ourselves from sinking, we task ourselves with pretending; bandaging instead of healing…Healing from when perfection eluded us, acceptance disappointed us and happiness cheated us. 

There will be times when we want to throw our hands up and give up. Emotions will close in, all but suffocating us. In between, there will be days when we can truly smile at the ditches, almost levitating with content. There will be times when we break down and fall apart, convinced that we were not made for all this or strong enough to be all we can be. Sometimes we will resist when the bottom falls out, hanging on to shards of emptiness. The fact is our incapabilities and scars will show and they will be stared at and we will need to be shamelessly brave. 

Accepting that you are not in control is the start of being at peace with it all and finding out who you are within this duration.

Give yourself the go-ahead to keep reaching and becoming when it hurts to stretch and it’s uncomfortable to bend. You will see the difference, the weight that is lifted when you stop pretending and growth becomes a reason to hold on and brave the storm. Let go and see what happens. When you step out, your footing may be crazy wild and unsteady but it will all finally feel right. You’ll realize that this is the feeling you really wanted. Not the illusions of happy and the captivity of reaching for perfect. You wanted the freedom to not stress about mistakes and regrets your whole life but to tell stories about the chances you didn’t miss, the people you met, became and lost, the things you broke and how you felt in all honesty.
Live in your situations even when they’re in the pits, really live. Trust your mess-ups are enlarging you and the labyrinths that pop up in your life are leading you somewhere beautiful. There might be more than a few hick ups and every single one will bless you immensely but only if you let it

Endings lead to new beginnings. 

Crash, but then heal

We’ve done things we’re not proud of. We’ve selfishly destroyed bridges and let things crumble as we look on. Within the duration of our pains, we’ve caused others pain as well. It’s a part of our humanness but this fact doesn’t make it hurt less. Sometimes we silently hate each other. Sometimes we destroy things and lash out. Sometimes we self-destruct. Long-term suffering and hopelessness can explode and break things and burn them down. When we’re afraid, we’re hurting. “When this fear is passed down, spread around and conditioned as the default method of survival, chaos is inevitable.”

I’ve crashed and burned a few times in my life too and each time I take some casualties. I have inflicted hurt without ever intentionally setting out to hurt anyone. I’ve avoided things solely because I can. I’ve been so absorbed in my issues that I’ve left things unfinished without explanation. I’ve been neglectful and wrapped up in myself. I’ve lured in good people and dumped them without a word to be with empty people who didn’t like me half as much. I’ve called on people I care about to help me in tough times and then didn’t return the favor. There are people in this world who think of me and feel let down or worse still, hurt. The kind of hurt that molders and leaves an ugly scar. There is a beautiful part to it. Stepping into humility and receiving some grace after the mess up and mistakes…Forgiveness. It is a big part of the process.
They are not taboo…mistakes, they don’t define the future. Mistakes are as necessary as they are courageous. They humble us, push us to look for the good in the life that’s currently all around. Like, notice how it’s the blunders that have birthed a more flexible perspective or cultivated a kinder person? That is accretion and it sprouts out of the most uncomfortable situations. I’ve learned to show myself compassion. To forgive self, this is a part of the growth. Healing is inherently a matter of forgiveness.

Forgiveness teaches us how to survive in this world where awful things are bound to happen and nothing is guaranteed. Forgiveness teaches us that we can’t feel selectively. We can’t be numb to pain and not be numb to joy. We can’t be numb to ourselves and not be numb to others.When we choose love and have hope, we are choosing life. We are forgiving our circumstances, our fears, our yesterdays and tomorrows. We are forgiving the injustice, the pain we have felt and the opportunities we missed. In forgiving ourselves and the rest of the world for our collective humanness and all the ways we’ve forgotten how to love, we are healing. 
Healing is to be responsible for the space we occupy in the world and society. When we choose to take care of our souls and heal, the cycle of resentment and retaliation is broken and we make the world a little less toxic, more unified. Multiply your pain by all the people in the world and that’s why we are so divided. We all handle pain differently but hurt people hurt people

Reminder: Every wave is for you. Whether you float or drown, every wave is yours and for all of us too. Ride the waves. Sink if you must. Crash, but then heal.

We all individually make a difference because healing, I’ve come to believe, has an activation effect. It spreads. We send love in the form of kindness to one another. We build each other up and share ideas. Sometimes we motivate and start revolutions using gratitude as our reminder. Long-term gratitude gives birth to miracles that erase our doubts and give us courage. “When this love is passed down, spread around and conditioned as the default method of survival, hope is inevitable.”

This Story

I tell my story for the grace, the endurance – the art. I tell my story because it is mine to tell; to connect with others who can see the journey in my eyes and all the lessons they hold. Telling my story is the unfurling of the layers of me.

I’ll tell it, paint it, sing it off key or off beat – however I can because within the recital of every scene, is all the therapy the heavens can gift.

It’s difficult to tell our story, to be naked and vulnerable and raw. Sharing pieces of us is more vulnerable than being naked from clothing. Even then when we’re physically naked we’re not truly naked, just simply showing skin. Vulnerability is a super power and sometimes we must be seen and seen fully so we can search the eyes of another and know that we’re quite okay. We’re gorgeous stardust and bone and chapters and light. We’ve also been wired for struggle and imperfection and overcoming that, this, and what will come eventually.

Our story isn’t calm. The road has been bumpy at times, filled with failures and rain and loss so sudden and soon. Sometimes the bliss was so elevated our heart could hardly hold it. Sometimes it was maddening to have and then to lose. We learn soon enough that it hardly ever goes as planned – gentle, easy and smooth. But that my friend is what makes you fascinating. You have something to tell. Something you’ve walked through, something wild. Something courageous. Something true. You’re made of stories within stories within even more stories…those quiet depth of you.

-Victoria Erickson & Kezzyjo

The point of the trials we go through is not to put us above others and make us feel like we’ve somehow acquired more stripes in the ranks of life. We all have hardships. The pains and troubles are supposed to make us more understanding, more open, more loving.

In Victoria Erickson’s words:

Something very beautiful happens to people when their world has fallen apart. A humility, a nobility, a higher intelligence emerges at just the point when our knees hit the floor. A shattered heart mends but it has stretched. The stretching creates room for even more love. In fact, the loveliest people are those who’ve been burnt and torn at the seams, yet still send their open hearts into the world to mend with love again and again.

People who have been through adversity and heartaches and obstacles as impossible as the sun itself. They usually make it out with hearts as warm as gold. Cores made of fire. Lives soaked with full intention. Hope like another morning. They know how to start again – how to walk through walls with palms wide open, and how to begin at the edges and end. Those for me, are the best people.

The ones who’ve seen confusion and known struggle; who have pulled themselves up from the shackles of heartaches and strife and disappointment and darkness, exhaustion and drain and have risen without a heart as open and unwavering wide as the ocean itself. Give me those people. The brave, the vulnerable, the wise, the ones who care for a world and how to better it along with themselves. To know their ability in making waves, in shifting patterns with tides and in creating change. Let us become that open ocean. And make it rise.

It’s unsettling when people assume to know an entire human being by piecing together tiny facts and arranging those pieces into a puzzle that makes sense to them. The truth is that underneath all those layers and all the scar tissue covering the softness of us, we hold endless depth. Below the surface of a few facts and pieces and past decisions we are vast universes. We aren’t only the ripples others can see. We are made of oceans. We are worlds within a world going through phases and trying to keep up with a head full of will and a heart made of deep waters.

 This story…

This is our light. This is our gift. This is our truth. It’s the grace in healing and the calm in rebirth.


Wallflower or Shrinking Violet: synonymous of an introvert.

Alcove : nook or niche. A small section of a room that is set back from the rest of it.

Since it is my birth anniversary, I thought it a great time to reintroduce my blog child.


A compilation of phases and feelings. Thoughts, convictions and questions as well. 

Birthed from The phases. The phases presenting as days I’m exactly the person I want to be, able to do all the things I should. And the phases when I’m treading and struggling to stay on top of each tide, relieved just to be breathing any air above water. The phases when I feel inspired by too much…everything as well as when I feel like I’m not inspired at all and trying to not get lost in all that’s happening around me. Random things and things I can touch alike. The phase when I’m physically here but not really. It’s from these waves I share how certain things translate in the different phases of “me, my sensitivity and sometimes impressionability.


Inspired by The discontent. The discontent of the moderation that we keep hearing of when it comes to wild walks or vulnerability or heart-racing conversations or ecstatic contemplation or mind-bending perspectives or all that catapults us closer to our original selves and the flow and form of our own aliveness. We secret crave more than moderate.

Digressing a little, everyone is chasing instant gratification and self, self, self. Most everybody lives on one of either extremes of their phones and the media. The problem not being the media itself but how it focuses on hurt people who never healed; defeated warriors still hiding weapons – all strangers to themselves telling us that everyone will let us down and life is a game of schemes and speed and the glories of retaliation. I have no idea what this means for our species and advancement in general. What this means for people like me with a bit of introversion might be hiding under shells to escape all the misconstruation. So not hiding is a peaceful uprising in hopes that sharing a few discoveries from the moments a few of us remember to look around hints at the loads we miss; that we see how many ways there are to look at “the glass” and there is nothing wrong with that. Yes, everything in this era is steadily speeding by and crashing way too fast for most of us to slow down, step back and consider the path and the destination, to master the intrapersonal, to consider the whys and the maybes. We are constantly reminded of goals and deadlines; pampered with questions of “when…?” All code for, “you’re getting old.” This mare’s nest of ideals puts some of us in a place where we feel like we do not really have that much time to explore and self discover. We do. It’s not too late to start now to cultivate a clear mind of who we are, why we’re here, how it aligns with our passions and to question the feeling of everything that happens in between. To enjoy giving it a try; to open up worlds beyond what we’ve been taught.

So The Why is simply I can’t not write! Put it all down…consider what I think about my thoughts. This journey is a dangerous, tranquil place and a thing that asks to be shared. It is chaotic and uncertain and beautiful and scary but that is what makes it riveting. Even the mess ups, even the blurred wreckage has a purpose – some call it “collateral beauty. By seeing it, understanding it and accepting my part in it all there is a chance to change or improve the not-so-pretty parts…or just be at peace with all of it. This is where I share the things that do more than just cross my mind and where I hope we feel comfortable enough to dive in and except even just for a few minutes that our truths, though sometimes denied are still truths.

Welcome again!